HOW ITS LIKE TO BE FREE

Two and a half years ago I just wanted to lie down and die. My head was full of concerns, hate and I had absolutely no desire to think about the future. I thankfully got some professional help in a time where I was mentally and physically damaged and couldn't cope with my crazy thoughts. I've never once regretted a second about my decisions. Life is as they say..a roller coaster..so are the feelings of the human beings..at first you are super happy and then suddenly..you turn over to your dark side and this form of self-destruction pops out of you. In desperate times I did desperate things..I am not proud of certain things I did over these last years..but when you just don't know how to live anymore, what else can you do?..I was falling..and I kept on falling as I felt the pace got faster and faster..the crash was fucking awful, a bit scary and it hurt like hell..but it was necessary, I just had to get out of my circle and reach and find another horizontal..I couldn't keep on living a life that felt like I was getting killed by my own two hands..so..from being in a state of mind that was effected by everything around me and by a damaging inner voice..I started to get the feeling that I actually had a saying over myself..I was in control and I felt some kind of freedom..the person I had build over many years started to get cracks in the skin..and from thinking that I had fully control over myself..I started to learn what it really means to have control..I was never in control..something inside of me made me do things that was so far from having anything to do with being in control..I've moved back to Oslo and all of these memories starts to come back and I'm afraid that old habits will kick in again..but thats just what life is about and thats what control means..when you know that something can go awfully wrong but you still manage to rescue yourself from another failure..thats what control is..not letting yourself fall yet again..